The 168 Things We Learned While Adventuring

Yeah, alright. I’m a bit of a gamer geek, but dammit some of this stuff is actually funny. With complete credit to the wonderful people at the RPGnet forums. Original thread is here.

  1. The only tools you will ever need are a dagger, a length of rope, a quarterstaff, and a towel.
  2. If you are in a cemetery or crypt of some kind, you WILL encounter undead sooner or later.
  3. When your GM says “are you sure?”, he probably has a good reason.
  4. The power of a ninja is inversely proportionate to the number of ninja you are fighting.
  5. If you say “Don’t worry, I can only fail on a natural 1,” you do alter the laws of probability.
  6. If you use the same cheap strategy over and over again, eventually someone will use it against you.
  7. It doesn’t matter how heinous your crime was, if you were “pursuing the greater good” at the time, you will be forgiven.
  8. Spot checks are bad news, even if you succeed at them.
  9. Listen checks are even worse.
  10. If you steal from a church or temple, you’ll find out that the gods are capable of personally kicking your ass.
  11. There are no athiests on a dungeon crawl.
  12. Never roll a critical success on a telepathic probe of a sociopath, demon, or Nazi.
  13. Or a critical failure.
  14. Just because you killed it, doesn’t mean it’s dead.
  15. Never stick your hand in the glowing green water.
  16. Book cabinets are only there to conceal hidden doors.
  17. all tunnels have some form of natural light
  18. singing helps every activity.
  19. Magicians have less staying power than cheap batteries.
  20. There is only a limited number of sets of mook armour, when you sell them the next mook group buys them back.
  21. you can carry five fishing rods, four ten foot poles, a piano and a bathtub without hinderance through a narrow tunnel
  22. when travelling you will only meet one thing no matter how far you go.
  23. Everything is better with fireballs.
  24. always carry more rope than a fully rigged Galleon.
  25. Armor can never be broken.
  26. Never touch statues
  27. the answer to the puzzle is never 42
  28. Adventurers can sleep a full eight hours after only one hour of being awake.
  29. nothing ever happens if your not there.
  30. All dwarfs are scottish and drunk.
  31. If the GM smiles then your in real trouble.
  32. Always kill the mage first
  33. Everybody has extensive boobytrap systems covering their home, but nobody seems to make the goddamned things.
  34. The more blessed you are with power and faith, the more people will expect you to cure their goddamned moderate wounds.
  35. making anything magical steals your memories.
  36. Old women and children are never to be ignored.
  37. Something is always rotten at the orphanage.
  38. And the hospital.
  39. And don’t even bother with the asylum.
  40. Or the church..
  41. Not as bad as the palace, though.
  42. Before saving the victim douse with holy water, detect evil, detect charm, detect trap, detect explosive runes, etc…
  43. If the GM overly screws with your NPC’s become a lone orphan sociopath.
  44. Every Door is locked, but no one ever has the key
  45. Defying all laws of economics, there is never any long-term socioeconomic effect when you return to a village of dirt-poor farmers with several tons of gold.
  46. Also defying economics (and just good sense), a poor farmer who never makes more than a few copper pieces a year somehow manages to survive in an economy where a stein of beer and some cheese is 15 GP.
  47. The king taxes his population and has enough gold to raise castles and build roads, but somehow can never afford to hire a decent and trustworthy Grand Vizer.
  48. Or pay his army of hundreds of thousands of soldiers enough to take out the Goblins in the Spooky Forest of Doom that have been disrupting trade for generations.
  49. NO! DONT TOUCH THAT DOOR! There is an all-powerful, ultra-secret society of Pseudo-Masons in every D&D game, building pointlessly complex underground deathtrap dungeons for any run-of-the-mill evil Archmage with enough gold.
  50. Apparently, said Masons also honor centuries-long contracts to make sure the pointlessly insane deathtraps they build are fully stocked with monsters and functioning hazzards long after said Archmage dies, just so the PC’s have a dungeon to crawl.
  51. Can openers, door stops, ships ballast, S&M Sexdwarf
  52. The economy is based on the scarcity of precious metals and gems being caused by monsters carrying them on their persons.
  53. Always check for a body.
  54. If you find a body, it’s a trick
  55. Rulers never consider a group of well armed and well trained people who could single handedly kill everyone in their city to be a threat to their authority.
  56. The chance there is a trap in the room is inversely proportionate to how high the rogue rolled on his search check.
  57. When in doubt – RUN
  58. You can never have too much firepower available
  59. There is no such thing as overkill, there is only ‘open fire’ and ‘I need to reload.’
  60. Even if you’re a brilliantly intellectual wizard capable of discoursing on a dozen fascinating subjects at a moment’s notice, all people will ever want from you are more fireballs.
  61. The most suspicious thing in any given area is actually the PCs themselves.
  62. Did you ever hear of a cult that WASN’T evil?
  63. Never give any NPC loot
  64. No matter what your int stat is, you are still stupid enough to do this shit.
  65. In every tavern ever constructed, there is someone in need of people to do him a favor.
  66. No oracle, sage, or seer, no matter how legendarily renowned, ever has a crystal clear vision of what needs to be done
  67. You cannot walk into a single kingdom anywhere without bumping into an Ancient Prophecy™.
  68. Ancient Prophecies™ are always 100% spot-on, and due to be fulfilled in about five minutes.
  69. No Evil Overlord shall ever have a spouse
  70. Elves cannot be fat.
  71. Wizards cannot have muscles.
  72. No dwarf has ever prefered a clean-shaven face
  73. All huge dragons love hoarding teeny tiny coins of gold, despite the fact that they have no realistic use for them, let alone a practical way to transport them.
  74. Kingdoms are always Good
  75. The King is a cool guy
  76. Some Orcs have pie.
  77. Gazebos are more dangerous than one might think.
  78. That is not the head of Vecna.
  79. Horses are nature’s arrow magnets.
  80. If your thief says he has a “cunning plan” kick him in the goolies and leave him for the orcs.
  81. The paladin is sure to say something arrogant and stupid at the most inconvinient time.
  82. If they ask if you’re a god, say yes.
  83. Glyphs are Bad.
  84. Always carry pitons.
  85. Many monsters are pinatas
  86. Combining Plans is not always a good idea
  87. You will never face anything you cannot believably handle
  88. Unless it has a special name
  89. Somebody will eventually fail a stealth roll.
  90. There’s no magic item so useful it can’t be buried with its owner.
  91. Resurrection is for wandering adventurers, never kings or wealthy merchants.
  92. Magic really isn’t that rare or mysterious, regardless of what people may tell you.
  93. There are more intelligent species than there are languages.
  94. Dwarves brew liquor but grow no grains – you really don’t want to know.
  95. High tech bandits always wear goggles.
  96. When shooting/fireballing/slashing said bandits, the goggles do nothing.
  97. Never take the item of unimaginable power, especially in WFRP
  98. Dwarves make it better.
  99. Elves make it prettier.
  100. Dragons are either beings of unparalleled wisdom and strength, or just big kitties who sleep on their coin-purses
  101. When trying to determine who is the most powerful member of your super hero league, keep this in mind
  102. Be prepared for pirates to have a pretty high static defense
  103. The post-apocalypse has way more robots, lasers, and cool explosions than the pre-apocalypse ever did.
  104. Magic has lots of fiddly bits, just use tech
  105. If there’s some guy that’s important to the Prophecy, use him as a weapon/trap detector
  106. Never trust an NPC who has a name when you meet him
  107. There is a distinct lack of bathrooms anywhere near an adventure.
  108. If you come up will a cool and/or brilliant plan, you will fail the roll.
  109. If someone else just says “Fuck it, I kill it”, they will succeed at the roll.
  110. If the GM reads the pre-written room description carefully aloud, then there’s something special/dangerous there, no matter how innocent and empty it may seem.
  111. The halfling will be, or become, a thief.
  112. If you design, type out, decorate, print out, and fill-in a personal PC sheet, someone will spill Kool-Aid on it within 10 minutes of game time.
  113. The GM at the convention will use all the optional rules you hate, OR, you’ll realize at a critical moment during the convention session that the tactic you have just pinned your survival on only works when using your own group’s homerules.
  114. Never drink from bottles that have, “Healing Potion” written on the side.
  115. No matter what the game system or what the genre, someone somewhere in the campaign will know kung fu.
  116. The Big Bad Guy will always have a name like Azamordoth or Ku-Rath the Eviscerator
  117. There’s always a moment of stunned realization the first time you discover that critical hits work for monsters, too.
  118. Heroes can hack into any top-security computer system anywhere in the world in minutes with access to only a laptop and a My Space account.
  119. Your chance of survival is directly proportional to your movement speed.
  120. The best bodygaurd in the world is a CoC player.
  121. All characters have the Insanity
  122. It’s not insanity if they really are out to get you
  123. In a quiet village when the players think they can cause trouble then the landlord has enough skill to kill dragons in his sleep.
  124. You don’t want to annoy the landlord’s wife either.
  125. Silver bullets are more than a good luck charm
  126. The number of lives (fate points) you get is inversly proprtional to your starting characteristics, see cats for proof.
  127. Your chaotic neutral character is a cannibal, whether you know it or not.
  128. When investigating the Deep Ones, never read anything
  129. When investigating the Deep Ones, remember to bring a gun, and a towel
  130. When playing a zombie character the DM stops finding it funny after the second NPC you eat.
  131. Diplomacy is for quitters
  132. Joke/”Funny” characters are only funny, if that, for only one session.
  133. Names are unnecessary
  134. Always expect an ambush.
  135. Always.
  136. Never use a fireball in a tavern full of innocent bystanders and enemies alike..
  137. The Lawful Good character isn’t, because elves and drow are different species
  138. Always buy more trail rations than you think you will need.
  139. If a party member has caused the group more harm than any given monster, they technically count as one
  140. Fire is always a good solution
  141. If the DM places a cursed item in the game that lowers all your mental attributes a lot but raises your strength slightly, he’s obviously sending a message that he likes monosyllabic killing machines
  142. A paladin’s first response upon confronted with anything, animate or inanimate, should be to detect evil
  143. If a party seems dedicated to kill and loot everything in their path regardless of affiliation, it’s just a ruse to put the DM off guard for when they break out the diplomacy skills and ally with the BBEG.
  144. D&D *does* have a system for shared narrative control
  145. While in Ravenloft, feel free to get corrupted three or four times then immediately stop
  146. While in Ravenloft it is perfectly acceptable to make a wineskin out of a giant’s liver.
  147. While in Ravenloft an Outcast Rating merely means you’re not threatening them enough
  148. While in Ravenloft, stay at least ten feet away from the Paladin at all times
  149. While in Ravenloft, even the Powers that be don’t know why the monks’ are there.
  150. While playing in HarnWorld using HarnMaster, avoid all combat as infection kills…
  151. While playing in HarnWorld using GURPS/d20, you can be less choosey.
  152. If an enemy has a weakness or allergy to some material, you should always try to steal his treasure before you fight him
  153. Incoming fire has the right of way
  154. Friendly fire, isn’t.
  155. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you
  156. All things being equal, the side with the simplest uniform wins.
  157. If there is an easy path and a hard path, the easy way is mined.
  158. When you secure an area, be sure to inform the enemy
  159. The enemy attacks at two times
  160. It is better to be in the vehicle than next to it.
  161. Always take first watch, you then get your full night’s rest because you often can sleep late.
  162. Never take mid watch, you get woken up AND something always seems to happen.
  163. Nothing attacks at dawn.
  164. Or at breakfast
  165. PC women must always be hot even though it has no real game effect
  166. You can torch a village and commit brigandage, and still be considered good if your alignment says so.
  167. Never go in the basement
  168. Or the attic.
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