Walk It Off

I hate hospitals. I don’t trust doctors. My old lady is always ragging on me to go to the hospital. Why should I go to a place with a bunch of sick people? Why should I go somewhere that has a higher mortality rate than my house to get cured? It doesn’t make sense, it’s just bad science.

If I am sick, I prefer just to “walk it off”. It’s an age old manly tradition. Walk it off. It works for the flu, colds, back pain, teething, sneezing, sore throat, emphysema, senility, spider bites, diarrhea, black lung, carpal tunnel syndrome, heat stroke, hemophilia, jaundice, Lou Gehrig’s disease and many, many more ailments of the flesh.

Of course, if the problem is in your foot, then you can’t walk it off. When it’s in your foot, you need to soak it in really really hot water and Epsom salts…to drain the pus out. It’s always pus, trust me. Even when there’s bone sticking out, it’s just really pus.

I keep hearing these stereotypes that certain minorities use cough syrup for everything. Cough syrup, really, can you imagine? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous. Cough syrup is good for one thing and one thing only…getting high. You drink a little, you get a buzz. You drink a lot, you get hallucinations. You drink too much, you die. It’s even worse than my smoking habit…I can probably walk off cancer, but death?

Yes, dear friends, walking it of will cure many a malady, but if you hear my old lady tell it, I’m just a stubborn asshole until the pain goes away.

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