So my old lady always asks me, “Why do you take so long in the shower?”. I don’t know, that’s a pretty good question. I usually take about 30 – 40 minutes which, from what I’ve come to understand, is not average “guy time” in the shower. People always assume that I masturbate in the shower. Well, I don’t. I’m not saying that I haven’t in the past, I mean, come on, we all have. It’s just that now, after masturbating in the shower…I feel a little dirty…and then the warm water doesn’t feel comfortable anymore. It’s just not worth it.
So anyway, here’s my usual shower routine, let’s see if you can tell me where I can shave off any extra time …
- Prepare myself. I strip down and walk into the bathroom.
- Sit on the toilet for awhile. I let the demons from the night before escape from my rectum. Since I’m hopping into the shower, there’s really no need to wipe. After a long enough time of this, my body has adopted the schedule of poop then shower. It’s a nice time to catch up on some light reading.
- Prepare the shower. Make sure the shower head is pointed away from the door, turn on the hot then the cold water, hop in and slide the door closed.
- Introduce the water to my body. I walk around a little bit, letting the water cover me, washing the feeling of warmth and filth from my flesh. I take a moment to remove my rings (finger and septum) and place them on the track that holds the shower doors in place. I turn around then clean the remnants of my toilet experience from my ass, after which I will clean the general stuff from my crotch, you know the type…lint, loose hair, etc.
- Let the water invade my mouth orifice. I like feeling the water loosening up the “smoking grime” that collects on my teeth, I’ll then gargle a bit with the shower water and…
- Cough up brown salty bits of phlegm.
- Shampoo myself. I pour a handful of shampoo (the cheap kind) into my hand and lather up my hair, beard, armpit hair, ass hair, then pubic hair in that specific order. I’ll let the shampoo suds sit for awhile, but avoid the usual man ritual of fashioning strange and exciting hairstyles with the shampoo. I’ll then let the water rinse out the shampoo in the same order that it was applied to my body hair…head, beard, armpit, ass & crotch.
- Oh no, trouble. Oh man, those burritos from last night aren’t sitting right….ouch, I think I’m starting to cramp up…well hell, I can’t get out of the shower now I’m only half done and I hate the feeling of wet ass on toilet seat. Well…there’s no one here…maybe if I just squat down…
- Clean up. I use my arms to direct the shower streams at the piles. I’ll make sure that everything is clean so no one suspects anything….oh dammit, there’s a hair clog in the drain! Alright, alright…I wade through backed up water and feces and use my fingernails to extract a large and nasty looking hair clog from the drain then throw it against the shower wall where it stays. Oh thank god, everything is going down the drain..I thought I’d have to get the plunger again.
- Blow my nose on my hand.
- Clean off my hand…and the shower door.
- Soap time. I grab a bar of my cheap soap and wash the hair off of it…it’s not my hair, yuck. From here I work up a lather then apply the soap to my body in this specific order: face, ears, beard, armpits, ass, crotch. It’s funny, you know? No matter how much water I splash in my ass, there’s always some scum that I find in there when I “go deep” with the soap…Hey weird, there’s a really really long hair wrapped around my genitals again…why does that always happen? It’s not like I have long hair.
- Spot check. I look for any zits, bug bites, scabs, etc and do a “spot treatment” on them by targeting the area with soap and fingernails.
- Re-Blow my nose. It makes me feel really good to have a nice clean nose throughout the day. If I were to skip the nose cleansing (and I have) I go around all day with this terrible urge to pick my nose….I don’t, but I can’t blow my nose in public either…it’s this thing I have.
- Soap time, redux. Like a 40 year old in a high school locker room, I go straight for the crotch. I gotta make sure that it has a pleasant smell throughout the day as I’m very sensitive to my own stench. While I’m in the area, I might as well clean my other piercing.
- Rinse. While rinsing, I pull out as much body hair as I can. The rule is, if it doesn’t hurt (much) to pull it out, it didn’t belong there anyway.
- Towel off. First the nose (to get rid of any residual nose goo) then the crotch and ass. After this, I turn the towel over and dry my hair and skin. I like to fashion a loincloth with the towl and tuck the free end just behind my scrotum, to keep my balls dry. There is nothing worse than wet balls in fresh undergarments.
- One last time between the cheeks. Now is a good time to grab two squares (no more, no less) of toilet paper and get rid of any traces of feces between ye olde cheeks. It pays to have a clean asshole, trust me.
- Q-Tip Time. I usually go through about 4 cotton swabs in a morning, I like to make sure my ears are clean enough to eat out of. I clean the external auditory canal twice along with the Antihelical fold, the Antihelix, and behind the Tragus. Some people might call that overkill but the only time I really feel comfortable cleaning my ears is after a shower (to a lesser extent, after swimming).
- Brush teeth. Time to whip out my own personal brand of toothpaste, baking soda and salt. Yum. I make sure to brush the gums until they bleed a little (although this rarely happens anymore) then attack my tongue and get rid of any “winter coat” it may have adorned during the night. Luckily, I don’t have much of a gag reflex anymore so I can really push that thing down my throat.
- Comb hair and smooth down beard. Some days I decide that I really should have shaved before all of this, as the beard hair is tough to smooth down.
- Check for gray hairs. I found two more on my head and three and a half more in my mustache.
- Exit bathroom. All done.
That took me a total of 40 minutes today, mostly because of the surprise attack on my bowels in the shower. Sometimes, if I have just eaten a lot I like to vomit in the shower. There’s just something about hearing that splat that is so satisfying. Of course, the cleanup is easy too, since there is running water and a drain.
Given that the entire process only took me 40 minutes this morning, I think I made pretty decent time. I mean, I didn’t masturbate, didn’t apply conditioner, didn’t do anything really weird…it was all business. I like to have a clean body, is that so wrong?
The real question here, of course, is why does it only take about 10 minutes for my old lady to take a shower?